


I'll be alright (Just not tonight)

by YouAreOneSillyGoose



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: AU, But dont worry she's okay she's just feeling rough right now, Comfort, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jack never left AU, Negative Self Talk, Self-Hatred, curse words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22020940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouAreOneSillyGoose/pseuds/YouAreOneSillyGoose
Summary: Riley has a rough time alone with her thoughts.
Relationships: Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Jack Dalton (MacGyver TV 2016) & Riley Davis, Riley Davis & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	I'll be alright (Just not tonight)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: There's lots of mention of self hatred, thoughts of self harm, and implied eating disorder. Read at your own discretion.  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Note:  
> This is AU, Jack never left and it takes place... at some point, in the series, I dont know, and Riley has an eating disorder.  
> Rated T for cursing and kinda heavy subject matter.
> 
> I wrote this pretty quickly and didn't want to wait and edit a lot before posting, so there's most likely some errors. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :) :)

It had been a long day. Or short. She wasn't really sure how she felt about the day. All she could do right now was sit by the fire at Mac's house. He wasn't home right now- he had been, but told her he'd be right back and left for the store to pick up some more beers. Bozer wasn't home either, he had to stay late at the lab. So sitting alone by the fire pit, feeling everything and nothing at the same time, was where she was right now.

She felt something welling up in throat, something powerful and demanding to be seen. Tears were hard to come by, but it seemed as if tonight, night of all nights, they decided to finally make an appearance. Tears pricked at her eyes, not yet falling. Just barely there. She sniffled softly, and tried to form her lips into a straight line, a passive smile, in case Mac got home early and saw her by the fire looking miserable. She didn't want him worried about her, he had enough he was dealing with. Everyone did, really, and that thought made her feel a pang of guilt and sympathy.

The cold night felt distant even as goosebumps and shivers ran across her skin. She hugged herself slightly, if only to simulate human contact. Staring right into the flames, as if she could transport herself to a different reality by just staring, her thoughts began running wild like a frightened animal finally free of their cage.

_So stupid._

_Why are you crying, you dont deserve to cry._

_Ugly cow._

Riley bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut for just a moment, gathering herself enough to not scream. A stray tear fell, landing on her arm and dripping onto her jeans. She watched it with an odd curiosity. It got soaked up by the fabric of her jeans just as another tear dropped straight to the paneled floor beneath her. Her eyebrows drew up into a tight knit, unsure of how to feel about this. Why _was_ she crying?

_Shut up you fat whore._

_Stop being a little bitch already._

_DO SOMETHING._

Do something. Do what, exactly? She felt a sudden burning desire to plunge her hand into the fire, grab onto a piece of burning wood and snap it within her unfeeling fingers.

No, that would be destructive. That would not be a logical thing to do. How would she explain that to Mac when he got back with the beers?

_Oh, hey Mac, yeah I purposefully gave myself a 3 rd degree burn while you were gone. No biggie. What kind of beer did you pick up?_

She shook her head adamantly, shaking off the urgent thoughts of destruction as well.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. You can do this. Six seconds in, six seconds out. You'll be okay._

_Yeah, sure._

_Fucking bitch._

Riley snapped her eyes back open, and looked around hoping to distract herself. She became absently aware her body was shaking ever so slightly, a constant rumble of tension and emotion, waiting to be released.

She wished Jack was here. He always knew how to help her. Even when she didn't know _how_ he knew, he just _knew_.

_Jack._

The thought warmed her heart while at the same time tearing it open, the tears pushing their way past her resistance even more.

She got up, and began walking towards the glass doors, feeling more fragile than she'd felt in a long time. She hated how stupid she was. She hated her. She stared at her reflection in the door, highlighted by the flickering flame behind her. She looked.. sad. _Why?What do you have to be sad about, you_ stupid bitch.

Again, that anger returned and she had the insatiable urge to punch that girl in the reflection right in the face, or at least punch the glass and feel the burn of cuts across her knuckles and the satisfaction of something tangible. But thoughts of Mac came back to her and she flexed her hands into fists and un-clenched them. Once. Twice. Three times. She let a shaking breath release from her lungs.

She shoved the door open, and marched right over to the fridge in the kitchen.

_Dont you DARE._

_STOP. S T O P !_

She ignored her thoughts and swung open the fridge, spotted the key lime pie she'd spotted when she first arrived at Mac's house earlier that night when they checked for beers and spotted none. Mac offered her to help herself, and she had adamantly told him she was very full from dinner, that she wasn't feeling up to pie. She would just drink a couple of beers and go home and sleep. She wasn't hungry.

But, _fuck,_ she was. She wanted that pie so badly.

She stared at it for only a moment before she grabbed it and set it on the counter with a clatter of the aluminum pan landing on granite.

_You fat pig, you better be planning on vomiting that up at least._

She paused for another beat. She was tired. She dreaded vomiting, she never got everything out and the exhaustion it caused and the growing ache to her teeth was unbearable. There was little point to do it except to punish herself for lacking the self control to say no to food. But still, her brain bombarded her with insults, and she began having arguments back and forth with herself, bargaining with her self hatred that she would make up for this, she would do _better_ , tomorrow. Tomorrow she'd fast. She'd vomit tonight. Or she'd exercise. She'd do _something_ , she wasn't sure what yet, but she reassured herself she would make it up to herself somehow.

The next moment was a blur, as she shoved her thoughts down along with a handful of key lime pie, barely tasting the tart sweetness as it passed her lips and fell down into the well that was her stomach. She closed her eyes, a few tears escaping as she suddenly felt … comfort..disgust.. fullness... nauseous.. shame..

She became acutely aware of a jingling of keys, a doorknob being turned behind her.

_NONO NO NO NO_

She couldn't have anyone find her like this.

She snapped her eyes open, looked down at her hands covered with pie, felt the crumbs and frosting covering her quivering lips, and with quick thinking, grabbed several paper towels and began trying to clean up the damage she'd done. She furiously wiped her shaking hands, her body full of adrenaline and grabbed the lid to the pie, covered it and tossed it to the back of the fridge. Slamming the fridge shut she bent over the trash can and spat out the remaining pie that contaminated her mouth, now revolted by the taste, coughing slightly and trying not to gag. She wiped her mouth with the paper towels and tossed them into trash just as the door swung open. She took a deep breath as she awaited to hear Mac's familiar footsteps. But they never came. Someone else's heavy, confident footsteps. They were extremely familiar. Confusion won over shame as she swiped away her tears and glanced over at the person walking in.

_JACK !_

“Well, hey there darlin'! I thought I'd drop by, brought a movie, 'Die Hard' six-” Jack said with his eyes crinkled up into a casual smile, a dvd loosely held in his hand. He paused when he saw the look on her face. His smile fell slightly, but not with disappointment. With care.

His familiar deep voice and southern drawl was a soothing balm to her breaking heart. She stared at him, eyes watering even more than they had, and quickly tried to compose herself, even as she imagined running over to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, head buried in his warm chest and soft t-shirt. Knowing the comfort that would bring her would be everything she ever wanted but also not wanting to worry her dear friend.

She forced a watery smile, trying to catch her breath a bit.

“Hey, Jack-” she started, her voice cracking ever so slightly. She felt dumb and the lingering disgust she felt at her behavior with the pie was still nagging at her, not letting her be fully present. She wanted to hide all the sudden, feeling gross and fat and undisciplined and unlovable and selfish and so _stupid_ -

Jack's arms wrapped around her in a tight hug. Riley hadn't even noticed he had set down the movie and had walked over to her, but it didn't matter. Jack's warmth settled into her bones, and only then did she realize how cold she'd been. Jack was holding her like he thought maybe if he squeezed tight enough, maybe her broken pieces would glue back together and she would feel whole. How he could tell she was breaking at that moment, she didn't know. But he did.

She let out her breath, and gripped her arms just as tightly around Jack, her head burying into the crook of his neck. She felt his stubble from days of not shaving gently rub against her cheek as he drew her in even closer.

“What's the matter baby girl?” he murmured in a solid, calm tone.

Riley choked back a sob. The tears were flowing now, as well as snot and she felt _disgusting and--_

“Riles, it's okay, you can talk to me,” his gentle voice broke through her thoughts again. She licked her lips, trying to say, _something._

“I-- I'm sorry,” she gasped out. She wasn't sure exactly what she was sorry for, but she just.. was.

Jack drew in a sharp intake of breath, and pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. “Now, what on earth do you have to sorry for kiddo?” His voice was gentle and kind, and his steady, unwavering eyes stared into her soul and she had to struggle to not look away. They stayed like this for a few beats before Riley finally got the courage to say, “I dont know.”

Jack looked at her with compassion and pulled her closer, rubbing slow circles on her back. “Oh, honey. You didn't do anything wrong,” even as he said this Riley felt shame flood her veins. Oh, but she _did_ do something wrong. So many things had she done wrong. Every moment of her life, she'd done something _wrong._

Jack continued. “And even if you did, so what? We all have mess ups. I know I've had my fair share of em', that's for sure.” He sighed, stroking her long curls behind her ear. “I love you, Riles, no matter what. You know that, right?”

Riley sobbed. “I know, I love you too big guy.”

Jack continued to whisper soothing comforts to her as her cries lessened and lessened, eventually just a sniffle here and there.

“You wanna talk about it?” Jack finally said in the silence.

Riley held her breath.

“You don't have to if you don't wanna, but I'm here, if you do,” Jack added.

“I.. don't think I.. want to, right now, at least,” she got out.

“That's perfectly fine, kiddo,” Jack reminded her, giving her one last squeeze before they parted their embrace. “If you want to, later, just say the word.”

Riley let out a sigh of relief, thankful that he was so understanding.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “For everything,” she added, meaning it. He had done so much, and she honestly didn't know where she'd be without him.

Jack just nodded and smiled warmly at her. “Anytime kiddo.”

A comfortable pause.

“Why are you here?” she asked suddenly. He had said earlier he'd be hitting the hay as soon as he got to his apartment. She hadn't expected him to come to Mac's loft today.

She cringed and quickly tried to fix what she said. “I mean, not that I'm so, _so_ happy you're here, really, truly. But, why?”

Jack smiled a big grin. “I tried to sleep, but I've got too much energy. Besides, I got a text from Mac and realized I'd rather hang out with my kids tonight.”

_His kids._

She had to swallow a few times before nodding and smiling back. “Well, I'm glad you did. We were gonna watch some documentary about building bombs, but to be honest I think Die Hard might be a bit better of a choice.”

Jack chuckled. “Aw hell, good thing I came over then, Mac was planning to bore you to death.” She smiled, content making good-natured jabs at their friend's movie taste right when the doorknob rattled again and they both turned to see Mac walk in, two grocery bags full of various beers in his hands.

Mac glanced over at the two of them and smiled warmly at the two before shutting the door and setting the bags down on the counter. “Hey guys, what's going on?”

“Oh, we were just talking about how awful your taste in movies is. Seriously dude, a documentary on bomb making? How do you relax to that?” Jack teased his young friend, no malice or judgment at all in his voice.

Mac scoffed. “At least I dont watch the same movie fifty times in a row,” he teased back, obviously meaning the countless nights they'd watched the first four 'Die Hard's together.

“Oh ho, well have I got news for you my friend. Check it, Die Hard 6,” Jack waggled his eyebrows and picked up the dvd laying on the counter, showing it to Mac.

Mac's eyebrows raised. “Wow, they made another one. When will they stop making those?”

Riley chuckled. “When this guy stops buying them,” she gestured to Jack, who feigned offense.

They all shared a good laugh and Riley sad down while Mac brought over the beers and Jack popped in the dvd. Riley jumped up and turned off the lights before sitting on one side of the couch, Jack in the middle and Mac on the other side, both cracking open a beer. Mac handed one to her and she took a few sips and folded her legs up onto the seat. The movie was predictable and comforting, the presence of two of her closest friends making her feel warm and loved. She rested her head on Jack's shoulder, content. Jack gave her a quiet kiss on the forehead before turning his attention back to the movie, wordlessly saying, _I love you, kiddo._

_Love you too, Dad._


End file.
